Deceived by post-adolescent utopian expectations of a life of recklessness, free from family ties, and spent ordering pizza at 3 a.m., the reoccurring dream of us all was to move out.
Whenever I hear people (college students) saying they want to move out of their home I’m always like “No! You’ve no idea how good you have it!”
To consolidate the dream as quickly as possible many students underestimate a vital fundamental aspect: The roommate. To be fair, roommates are a very important part of that whole young adult experience. From the college dorm room, to moving in with your bestie to cut the cost of living, to the desperate act of rooming with a stranger and hoping it doesn’t end with your body being dumped in a ditch, roommates are an important life checkpoint. Sometimes, having a roommate is wonderful; you’ve got someone to talk with, to hang out with, and who makes your shared apartment a home. Other times, your roommate makes you legitimately question whether or not you are capable of murder. The roommate from hell will make your life awful and you won’t be able to wait for the day they are gone. You’ll talk to your friends and tell them stories about how terrible and weird your roommate is.
As someone who has experienced a great deal of the latter, I have gained some wisdom that I hope to pass down unto you today. Here’s a list of roommates to avoid like the bubonic plague.
Whether you choose your roommate or he choose you, this detail will definitely cause animosity between the parties: ”I AM A SMOKER! “. It’s been scientifically proven that both roommates will never ever share the same vice, and your clean and fragrant clothes will automatically begin to turn yellow and you will start to research the dangers of passive smoking … to … well, just to be able to complain about that bastard of a smoker who rooms with you.
Magically your socks will materialize in their drawer, you’ll see them come home peacefully with your favorite shirt apologizing with phrases like: ” I thought it was mine! “,” You never use it! “,”It looks better on me”. Avid collector of ashtrays and coasters of any cafe/pub/wherever in town! Pointless to leave any food around the house, for the the fridge is their kingdom, and everything you put into it will be devoured mercilessly! Not counting the €2 that you had CLEARLY left on the kitchen table, and that has now magically disappeared!
Much like the Klepto, this is one roommate you do not wish to encounter. He will go on “trips” around town, and come home with rubbish found in skips, trash cans and random dark alleys, and present you with the loot as if it was gold. The stuff he’ll inevitably bring home will quickly start accumulating and you won’t even be able to recall what the floor looked like before he moved in.
The Filthy one
If it was up to him he would dine on the pile of stagnant dinner plates dating back to last Christmas, he has yet to realise that the shower is not a hair display cabinet and that food use by dates have not been put there at random. This roommate feels right at home among piles of dirty laundry, toppling bags of trash, and take out boxes that haven’t been moved from under his bed in weeks. For this type of roommate there are no limits, and it’s pointless to explain to him that the red toothbrush is yours. You’ll end up believing that before moving in with you he roomed with Tarzan.
The Lazy one
If fate has chosen for you this kind of “roomie”, you will be condemned to a catacomb-like life, where your companions of adventures will be darkness and solemn silence. On the snooze button of his alarm clock, you can notice a dent caused by the fateful countless “5 more minutes, I swear.” Of course you’ll have to suffer the concert of his cursed alarm tone for hours without blinking or saying a word, so as not to pass as the pain in the ass of the house.